Scene: Outside the Trout Lake Community Centre in Vancouver. Kids are kicking a ball around while Joe Jukic and pop star Dua Lipa watch from a bench.

Joe Jukic:
You know Bernie from the community centre had the strangest dream.

Dua Lipa:
Good strange or weird strange?

Joe:
Kind of hopeful strange. He says he dreamed about a co-ed soccer league here at Trout Lake. Boys and girls on the same teams.

Dua:
Honestly, that sounds pretty normal to me. When you’re kids you just want to play.

Joe:
Exactly. Bernie says the problem today isn’t the kids—it’s the adults on the internet. Everyone arguing about gender like it’s a cage match.

Dua:
Yeah… social media definitely turns everything into a fight.

Joe:
Bernie says, “Joe, when boys and girls actually play together, they learn teamwork instead of shouting at each other online.”

Dua:
That’s kind of beautiful, actually. Football—or soccer—teaches cooperation. You can’t win without passing the ball.

Joe:
Bernie even joked that maybe all this fighting online is exactly what the old conspirators wanted.

Dua:
What conspirators?

Joe:
He mentioned Adam Weishaupt, the guy who started the Illuminati back in the 1700s. Bernie says, “Maybe the master plan was simple—get men and women arguing all day so nobody notices the bankers picking their pockets.”

Dua:
(Laughs) That’s quite the theory.

Joe:
Maybe it’s just Bernie being dramatic. But his point was simple: if people spend all day fighting each other, they forget to question the bigger systems around them.

Dua:
I can see that. Division keeps people distracted.

Joe:
Exactly. Meanwhile, here at the park, the kids don’t care about any of that. They just want to score a goal.

Dua:
So Bernie’s solution to global chaos is… a soccer league?

Joe:
Yep. Mixed teams. Girls passing to boys, boys passing to girls. Learning trust instead of rivalry.

Dua:
Honestly, that might work better than half the debates online.

Joe:
Bernie says if people played together more, the internet would be a lot quieter.

Dua:
And probably a lot happier too. Maybe the world just needs more parks and fewer comment sections. ⚽